The Hanson Hat Trick

Rewind: December

2012-01-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

The lost chapters of December...

Anth was very specific about what he would like Santa to bring him. So much so that he brought a page right out of the Target ad. While A didn't mind sitting on Santa's lap at all, Ash really wanted NOTHING to do with it.

In school Anth had dress up day as well as bring Baby Bear to school day. We found out that our Bubsa Boo LOVES wearing a tie and would like to dress up more often. Who knew?! This is coming from the kid who would only wear comfy pants just a year ago!

Ash turns TWO!

Anth got to make the annual wreath and pick out all the decorations with Uncle Airwick. He also got some use out of his Papa Willie "work clothes" and helped Papa outside.

These two are quite the pair. I cannot wait to show them this one when they are older! Potty time together!

A month cannot go by without having some dress up days or two! The pirate and skeleton are two popular ones.

Johnson Family Christmas

Hanson Family Christmas

Cutting "ood" with Ashee and Uncle Damon.

Eating "dog food" with Papa Willie before heading back home from the Christmas weekend up north.

Celebrating Auntie Manda!

2012-01-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

Auntie Manda is the absolute best and we love her dearly! Today she joins the thirty club, which leaves me wondering. How in the world is my little sister THIRTY?! I remember shopping at Kmart after she was born and picking out a pair of special booties just for her. Now she's the big 3-0?! WOWZERS!

Leech Lake

Favorite camping spot of all time

Beautiful sunsets

Lots of memories

Back when Ned was a puppy and a crowned Prince

Oh, how you have been demoted in rankings, Prince Nedward Ogie!

A box of cigars

found by the Johnson kids

Must be tried out

Right?

Grab the matches and the camera, Mom

Auntie and nephew love

Kings Courtyard

Loving up the Booger

A day of make-up, hair, nails and wearing a dress!

A day of celebration

Happiness

New beginnings

Love

My favorite individuals

Wonderful siblings

Christmas morning

Clara Church - Yuletta services

Beautiful northern woods

Rewind: November

2012-01-21T08:11:00.000-08:00

The lost chapters of November...

The Carhartt gear that Papa Willie got Anthony for Christmas last year fits and he's determined that he needs to wear it outside. (Mind you there is no snow. November started just as mildly as October ended.) However, when Anth has his mind fixed on something there's no diverting from his plan. He sure wishes, though, that snow would finally get here...

Dressing up continues to be a daily/weekly phenomenon at our house. The dress up bin gets used all the time and old costumes cannot be packed up just yet for Asher. There are many nights he will go to bed with his mask and/or work gloves on.

Zoey got a rash on her belly that she constantly scratched/licked/gnawed on until it become a bleeding open sore. One Thursday night I brought Anth to therapy while Mark brought Zo to the vet. On the way home Anth had fallen asleep so I was carrying him into the house to put him to bed. This is what greeted me at the top of the stairs. I wasn't expecting the Wonder Dog's new fashion accessory and had to try really hard not to (1) laugh too loudly and wake up the kid and (2) drop the sleeping kiddo from laughing too hard. Luckily Mark was there to scoop up A. What a scene!

SNOW! It finally came! Now Santa can come any day! It snowed! The five dollar shovel from Mills Fleet Farm got lots of use "helping" daddy and one little boy was in snow heaven. (Although I see he didn't wear his Papa Willie outfit???? Hmmm...)

Unfortunately, Mr. Puke and Mr. Squirts wouldn't leave Anth alone over the long Thanksgiving break. While decorating the Christmas tree Anth got sick and we spent the next four days quarantined away from our family up north trying to kick the icky bug to the curb. All of that wasn't fun; however, for the first time in THREE YEARS we were able to decorate the tree & listen to the Muppets belt out carols as a family without any breakdowns. It. was. fabulous.

Arts and crafts were (and for the most part still is) a daily occurrence. For awhile half of the table was dedicated to crayons, paints, glue, construction paper, etc. until I got organized and found a new home where he could easily find everything he needed. I love the ideas that he comes up with and that it's never the same thing twice.

Anthony continues to have a great personality and can make us laugh with his crazy antics. One night he should have been getting ready for bed, but decided to put on the antlers and then went and grabbed the foam fingers from downstairs. He was showcasing his "Moose Hearing Aids" with lots of dance moves & crazy faces all the while sans underwear.

Rewind: October

2012-01-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

The lost chapters of October....

Triple A.... Anthony, Adele and Andersyn get lots of playing time at daycare and on nights like these when Arnold & Gretchen are both busy coaching. The Changa Girlies are an absolutely delight and we always love having them over! (Check out the summer attire! I had forgotten how nice it was all the way into October.)

Our Becker-amily keeps growing!

Shaun, Tracy & Emerson welcomed

Brockton Reid

into the world on October 8th!

He was a tiny one....

10 pounds, 12.5 ounces and 22 inches long

We spent a Saturday finally visiting Apple Jacks. We had a great lunch outdoors & Anth loved all the attractions! Riding the horse was a highlight, but it didn't top going for a ride in the cow train. That day many cows were tried out - Anna, Susie Q., Joey, Sadie... He could have ridden on just this the entire day. So. much. fun.

The now traditional Halloween party was another great get together (even with last minute changes due to Miss Amalia getting sick). I loved that the new momma MADE their costumes this year. (Clearly she IS a superhero!) Pin the spider was a highlight for the kiddies and some great laughs too. Our attempt at a family picture didn't really turn out... Maybe we should have been a theme-y family too and then it would have. Anthony insisted on being Heat Blast (Don't worry if you don't know who that is. I had no idea that Heat Blast was a character off of Ben Ten Alien Force.) while Mark & I decided to go through his HS bin full of jerseys and whatnot. All in all, it was a GREAT night of playing, laughing and eating major amounts of fun.

This was the first year that Anth was totally into carving pumpkins. He didn't need his "work gloves" on and he actually was helping to clean out the guts. His pumpkin was stabbed hundreds of times during the creating process, but who really cares? It was a fun family night.

Halloween night was BEAUTIFUL this year! It was a little chilly towards the end, but what a great night to be out and about. Once again our neighborhood did a great job; it was my yearly reminder of why I love living where we do. I wish more nights could been like this one. Heat Blast was all smiles!

Rewind: September

2012-01-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

The lost chapters of September....

A dried up, dead frog is quite the find for a little boy!

The super race track was constructed and left for days.

Who can complain, though, when hours of fun are being had?!

Bubbles and bath time continue to be so much fun!

The camera was needed to capture his "Santa" moments.

Grammie Kathy's coming!

YAHOO!

Before we could begin our day it was a must for Anth to create this banner and put it up so she could see it RIGHT AWAY when she got to our house.

Lessons from Room 206

2012-01-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

Having a student bring "Mr. Tiny" to class as his 'comfort object' is smile inducing. (By bring I really mean WALK quite a distance to school on a January morning with THIS in tow...) Having a loved godson surprise you by popping in during your prep is also smile inducing and just absolutely wonderful! Having both worlds collide together - Mr. Tiny and Cam-a-roo - makes for a great picture and one happy four year old.

I couldn't make myself erase my board until this morning. This list has been up for over a week --- a list of what students absolutely, 100% would need to have in their lives regardless of where or how they live. (Right now we are discussing and reading a novel, The Giver, that revolves around the theme of living in a Utopian "perfect" world.)

Family, friends, love, shelter...definitely understandable.

CULTURE... WOW! That blew me away.

Imagination!

Creativity!

McDonald's? Popcorn? TV? Ms. Hanson?! (Ha! Suck ups!)

All this talk about a perfect vs. imperfect world and the essentials in life has got me thinking too. What is it that you would always HAVE TO HAVE no matter where or how you lived? What's the most important thing/items/VIP in your life? Did the seventh graders get it right?

January's Storm

2012-01-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, December 31st, Mark and I got away for the night. The in-laws graciously came down to watch Anth while we headed to St. Paul for an evening of celebration with the new Mr. and Mrs. Pearson. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was stunning and the night out was so. much. fun. We laughed, had some drinks, danced (okay, that was more ME than Mark!), spent time with wonderful friends, stayed up way too late and found ourselves sleeping in a divine king size bed without the nightly interruptions.

The Traveling Photo Booth was a definite highlight!
In case you are wondering, YES, that is Charlie's butt.
Dancing to "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
got a little out of control for those rented pants!

The following week Manda went into labor on Wednesday and Friday. On Wednesday Taitum decided when mommy got to the hospital in Duluth that she didn't really want to leave the nice cozy womb just yet. So she held on - giving her mommy all the lovely contractions and pain she could - until Friday. Both days, thankfully, I was able to go to Duluth as well and spend time with my sister.

I wouldn't change any of this, though. We needed a Mark & Tonja night away. And the gift of being with my sister in welcoming Taitum was, as you already know, beyond amazing.

All of this, though, has caused the perfect storm of January. (By this I mean disruptions and changes to the typical, everyday schedule for Anthony.)

Anthony's storm.

~~Tonight~~ early this morning we are once again playing musical beds. However, this time is a bit different. Anth calls out for me, which is typical. I go to to him, which is also typical, to reassure him that he's okay, the bad dream has passed and that mommy & daddy are right here with him. Typically he is reassured, will settle back down in his "Batman Bed" aka the old crib mattress that sits forever at the foot of our bed and go back to bed peacefully.

That wasn't the case ~~tonight~~ just an hour ago, though.

Immediately upon entering his room he's fighting mad. He's hitting, he's verbalizing his dislike for his mommy and refuses to go anywhere except mommy & daddy's bed to sleep with daddy.

Once Anth is calmed down, tucked in and with daddy, I crawl into his Spiderman bed completely awake. Praying. Thinking. Getting mad myself.

Right now I am feeling like a Judy Bloom character. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. I suppose the similarities end there, though. I'm not a sixth grade girl on a quest for a single religion all the while having to deal with buying my first bra, having my first period and seeing girls around me develop a womanly figure faster than I am.

I know God is busy. He's always got to feel overwhelmingly busy. Heck! There's still a cruise ship that is laying on it's side. And that's only ONE item in the news. Plus there are millions of people with their own hurt and struggles and health issues, etc. etc. etc. etc. Right now I'm picturing the post-it scene from Bruce Almighty. I wonder if God chuckled at the scene too?!

Anthony's storms are hard and fierce and feel never ending. They leave me wide awake at 3:30 in the morning wondering about every little thing. What can I do? What shouldn't I do? How can I be better? What else should I look into? Is therapy enough? Should I read more books? What am I missing? What should my reactions be? How is Anthony really doing? Will he be okay? What does this feel like for him? Is this hurt crushing him as much as it's crushing me? Do I press forward or do I back off? Do his words and actions really match up with how he's truly feeling? Does he know he's loved? ....wanted? ...accepted? FOREVER. Does he really think that one day we will just leave?

The questions continue to percolate and build leaving me to ask ---- Are you there God? It's me, Tonja. Anth is really hurting right now, he continues to hurt, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing to help him. It feels like my help is pushing him away more than anything else. Plus I don't know how much my heart can take. It feels like January's storm is blending in with all of the other storms and the daily on-your-toes parenting. Please help him. Please hold his hand through this journey - carrying him when you need to - and help him to the other side. Please be with Mark and I. We. Need. You. We need the help you bring that's beyond therapy and beyond our love for him. Please help.

Let's Celebrate!

2012-01-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night we had a celebration.

We tried out a new (and yummy!) recipe, Lasagna Soup, (Thank you Food Gawker - I heart you!), we had sparkling white grape juice in fancy wine glasses (I remember this being WAY better when I was younger....) and we ended the celebration with lights off, candles glowing, make a wish cupcakes.

Even though we have no birthdays or anniversaries in January, I decided it would be a great day to have a surprise celebration for the boys.

We toasted and did a cheers for family. Our family. Through all the ups and downs we certainly have a lot to celebrate! We are richly blessed and deeply loved.

Mr. Goofy Pants needed an immediate shower.

He sure was tasty, though!

Lasagna Soup

INGREDIENTS

for the soup:
2 tsp. olive oil
1-1/2 lbs. Italian sausage
3 c. chopped onions
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
2 T. tomato paste
1 28-oz. can fire roasted diced tomatoes
2 bay leaves
6 c. chicken stock
8 oz. mafalda or fusilli pasta
1/2 c. finely chopped fresh basil leaves
salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

for the cheesy yum:
8 oz. ricotta
1/2 c. grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 tsp. salt
pinch of freshly ground pepper

2 c. shredded mozzarella cheese

PREPARATION

Heat olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add sausage, breaking up into bite sized pieces, and brown for about 5 minutes. Add onions and cook until softened, about 6 minutes. Add garlic, oregano, and red pepper flakes. Cook for 1 minute. Add tomato paste and stir well to incorporate. Cook for 3 to 4 minutes, or until the tomato paste turns a rusty brown color.

Add diced tomatoes, bay leaves, and chicken stock. Stir to combine. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes. Add uncooked pasta and cook until al dente. Do not over cook or let soup simmer for a long period of time at this point, as the pasta will get mushy. Stir in basil and season to taste with salt and freshly ground black pepper.

While the pasta is cooking, prepare the cheesy yum. In a small bowl, combine the ricotta, Parmesan, salt, and pepper.

To serve, place a dollop of the cheesy yum in each soup bowl, sprinkle some of the mozzarella on top and ladle the hot soup over the cheese.

Servings: 8

Source: adapted from 300 Sensational Soups by Carla Snyder and Meredith Deeds, as seen in the February-April 2011 edition of At Home with Kowalski's magazine

Printed from: a farmgirl's dabbles (www.afarmgirlsdabbles.com)

The Daily Battle

2012-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Last night Anthony sought me out to show me his dragon he had just finished coloring. He was clearly proud of the work he had accomplished and was in a great mood.

We talked about our plans for coloring even more things together during our day off tomorrow.

He ended the conversation with a tight bear hug and a huge pucker right on the lips.

Oh, it felt so good!

I couldn't help but smile and get a little teary eyed as well. Anth has been resisting hugs and kisses for a few weeks now.

Not even 30 minutes later we were together rocking, praying and talking before bed. In a very calm state he was explaining to me why he didn't like me and that he would much rather spend time with daddy. He wasn't being mean or in chicken brain state or in a rage, but rather he was just matter of fact about the whole thing. I don't like mommies.

Earlier in the day I had asked him to get out of the kitchen. After several times of asking, I grabbed his upper arm and walked him out of the kitchen. Anthony immediately started crying. I think he was more upset that I got upset and yelled....not that he was hurt in any way.

This was the story he mentioned at bedtime. That's why I don't like you mommy. You're always mean to me.

Perhaps this is how I've turned into a perfectionist who constantly beats herself up over ever action and reaction as a parent? Everyday I try my best to remain calm through every possible situation and go into therapy mom mode when I need to. When I make a very human slip I feel awful --- partly because I wish I could have remained cool, calm and collected; partly because I know he will archive it putting it under the I don't like mommies category.

It's hard to be forgiving and gentler to myself when I know how much of an impact it will have on the little one I love so dearly.

How awful and confusing this must feel for him.

MIA

2012-01-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

This is a SERIOUS MIA situation the Hattrick has been experiencing. The neglect-o-blog is at an all-time, never-seen-before level and it appeared for months that it would always stay in that status.

Then Miss Taitum entered this world eight days ago and there was no way I could hold in the awe I felt or the immediate love I had or the I'm-so-proud-of-my-little-sis feelings. I just had to share all of those emotions and first pictures to the blogging world.

That got me thinking, though, REALLY thinking, about what's going on. (Well that and the nagging persistence of a few in my life...) Writing has always been something I gravitate towards and now I have stopped. The drought has been raging for longer than I ever thought was possible.

The first obvious reason for me - and probably anyone else who's trying to juggle/balance their life - is time. This is the first year of teaching out of eleven that I feel like a little kid in the back of the family station wagon.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Or perhaps it's more like Anthony --- "Are we closer to (usually insert Grammie's house or home) than we were before?" (By before he really means in the last 15 seconds because this is a constant while traveling.) "Are we there now? How about now? Are we closer n-o-w?" All of this builds up to the BIG WHINE ---- "We're NEVER going to get to (once again insert Grammie's house or home)....I don't like long car rides...." Thankfully we have an iPad and never ending possibilities in the apps store. This has saved our sanity more than once.

Back to the issue of time....

This is exactly how I am feeling with this current school year. It has nothing to do with the students (okay, maybe just a few) and the parents have been really great this year for the most part (emails received and sent are thankfully at a three-year low). It's just everything else. The school year started off very strange and that theme has continued throughout the last five months. Without going into any details (I wouldn't want to be douced? Or is it dooced? I'm certain it isn't douched, right?) it's just been a trying, tiring year with lots of extra expectations and the perception (MY perception) of little support or acknowledgement.

Enough said.

Like any working parent I'm trying to find ways to better balance work life with family life, with time with friends, with phone calls to extended family, with the errands that need to be done, with household chores, with squeezing in the needed sanity breaks.... Basically, when it comes to TIME after the day is through (to read, to write out my typical cards to others, to bake different breads/cookies/whatever, to blog or just do something for myself) I am POOPED.

So P-O-O-P-E-D out. ("Hey Mom! I know how to spell poop! P --- O --- O --- P, POOP!" How is it that this memory has Manda standing up between the front seats of the car spelling poop to my parents right past the Oteneagen Road? This blast-from-the-past memory is seriously lacking a booster seat!)

The other reason for this serious MIA, neglect-o-blog situation, beyond the time issue, is, quite honestly, (Why is this so darn hard just to say? Why do I feel like such a complete failure saying it yet again and again and again? How is this helping anyone to read these constant entries on the blog?) the roller coaster our life is on. It feels like every post I write, every conversation I have, every day of my life is filled with the same story. This story - our life - feels like we've somehow been trapped on repeat and cannot get out or stop it. The same things just keep happening and happening and happening.... I feel like I am physically on a roller coaster that I cannot get off.

Hard, fast, uncontrollable sobs.

Glasses off. Head hung low.

There. I just said it. I hit the nail on the head.

I wish so badly that I could FIX this situation, somehow DO MORE and FINALLY make it better, not just for myself or for Mark and I, but rather for our beautiful son.

He is hurting. Continues to hurt. His hurt is stuck on repeat.

The highs and lows continue to exist even though the dips aren't as extreme and the duration isn't as long as the past. He is working through all of the pain of his past and all the acronyms that exist behind his name. This work, though, continues to be hard for all of us. The pain of the past continues to cause a tangible, heart aching pain for the three of us who exist in the present.

I stopped sharing all of this, though, "to the masses".

I don't want others to pity us or our lives. There is nothing to feel sorry about. We are a family that God has brought together. On the other hand, I don't want to push others away because I write in the extremes that we feel - the highs and the lows as well as the constant repeat over and over again.

"The definition of insanity is doing

the same thing over and over and over

expecting a different result."

Hopefully none of us are insane.... We may be on repeat,

but hopefully it's because we're working towards a goal

that's always been the same since the very beginning.

As always, though, for my life, sharing trumps trying to remain silent. Even if I continue to be on a roller coaster of emotions and "tough" stuff.

I've only gotten as far as I have because of the support from others and I know I will always need that support as I continue through life. So thank you to the ones who have either silently or quite vocally continue to support and love us.

It feels like my reasoning for neglect-o-blog should be done. This would be a good spot to wrap everything up and hit publish. Therefore I go upstairs to have breakfast with the boys. While eating and clipping coupons a thought begins, continues to linger and flat out won't go away.

It's something I know I need to say.

The hard, honest, raw part.

I always have this nagging worry that if people really knew the truth they would walk away or think of me differently. The highs are day brighteners that are easy to share; however, the lows are much more murky and dark.

It's those lows and my worry that's been holding me back. How does one speak honestly about the struggles? What they look like, how it feels and how crushing it is no matter how many times it happens. How does one continue to speak freely about your personal missteps as a mother and the mistakes you've made? Especially when you see so many others who you love and adore embrace motherhood in such a beautiful (and enviable at times) way.

Over these past few months there have been many bloggable, "high" moments.

On Halloween Anth was more excited to come home to see the "candy people" than to actually go trick or treating. We spent the night sitting on a blanket on our front porch handing out our treats. It's sounds mundane, but it was magical! We were laughing and talking and greeting others (the "candy people") and making them laugh until hours had past and our candy had run out. Anthony was full of smiles, dancing in the driveway and we had such a wonderful time just the two of us together. We finally made our way inside when Anth laughed so hard that he peed in his costume. I reluctantly shut the front door and turned off the lights because I didn't want that moment of giving to others and loving each other ever to end.

On a Wednesday this fall I picked up Anth from daycare. Renae just finished saying how great his day was when he completely fell apart, fell to the floor and starting kicking, crying, screaming. All of this was directed at me and I immediately had to go into therapy mom mode to try and guide him out of his rage. Finally we made it out of the house and into the van. I started to leave, but then decided to shift back to park. I turned and simply said, "Are you okay, Bubsa Boo?" That's when the rage immediately turned into honest tears of sadness and he responded with a no. I quickly went to his side to give him a huge hug and lots of kisses. For the first time EVER he was able to tell me what was wrong and why he was in a rage. A student at school had made fun of him and that made him sad. He didn't tell a teacher, but rather waited so he could tell me. He just wanted his mom. Then he sobbed as I held him.

In November Anth got sick and we spent our whole Thanksgiving break away from family and the delicious celebrations. Even though Mr. Puke and his buddy Mr. Squirts weren't giving up their hold something let loose in Anth. For the first time ever he called me not mom or momma, but rather mommy. That single word was magical and will never be taken for granted. Every time it comes out of his mouth it makes me smile and fills me with happiness.

A few weeks ago while driving home from weekly therapy he said something out of the blue that will always stick with me. "Mommy? We don't just love. We love to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, right?" Absolutely, Bubsa Boo. That's exactly how we love.

Those stories are easy to share. Those are the stories I WANT to share.

It's the murky, dark lows that are so much more difficult.

How would others react if they knew a hole had been punched in a wall at our house?

Or a door was dented while another door was falling off it's hinges.

Or words have not been spoken, but screamed and yelled.

Or if holds too often need to be done to try to contain the blows.

Just this past week after therapy Anthony blew. I pulled over the van during his screaming/kicking fit and just sat there waiting for him to calm down. He, however, was in "chicken brain" and couldn't
calm down.

So there we were.
Six thirty at night.
Sitting in the dark on 371.
Waiting.

I went into therapy mom mode and did well. Or at least for a bit. While he screamed I worked on helping him to calm down. Deep breaths. You're okay. You're safe. You're loved. You're wanted. Deep breaths. All the while I'm trying to do the same for myself. Deep breaths. You're okay. You're safe. You're loved. You're wanted. Deep breaths. I feel rattled and shaken and I just want so badly for this stage of recovery (hopefully that's what it is...) to be over. I want the pain to be eradicated so we can LIVE and be FREE from all this hurt. I just want my wonderful Bubsa Boo with us ALL THE TIME.

Then Anthony started talking about mommies. I hate you. I hate mommies. I hate all mommies. I wish you would just go away. I never want to see you again. Can't you just leave and never come back? I just want to live with daddy. Daddy doesn't hurt me. You always hurt me. You always make everything worse. You never help me. You never do anything, but hurt me. I hate you. I tried, but I could not stop the tears or my own pain from surfacing. I couldn't block it out. Not after the week(s) we were already having. The mantra --- Deep breaths. You're okay. You're safe. You're loved. You're wanted. Deep breaths --- left me.

"Fine.

Tonight you get your wish.

I love you Anthony.

I'm sorry I couldn't make everything better."

I opened the door. Slammed it as hard as I could, burst into tears and started walking away from the van. I had removed myself from situations before, but this time it was different.

I started walking.

I wanted to keep walking.

The darkness and fresh air and calmness of the cold night felt so good.

Who does that?! I cannot imagine any mom that I know as a friend or family member or co-worker ever, EVER doing something like that to their child.

I didn't keep walking. Instead I stopped, turned around and looked at how far I had gone. It was then that I called out to God and said quite simply, but desperately --- help.

Doesn't this sound like a great fictional story? In this movie that would be the climatic moment followed by the resolution in which the conflict is resolved and then the conclusion where all the loose ends are neatly tied up. How lovely. What a tear jerker. There's one problem, though. My life is not fictional and never seems to follow the basic plot line.

I got back to the van. Apologized. The rage grew even stronger, but then eventually it dwindled. I finally drove the hour home quietly listening to "I'm hungry....I don't like you...." back and forth as if it were stuck on repeat.

It's in those moments of missteps and mistakes that I wonder about myself. I wonder how much I am hurting him rather than helping. I wonder how much pain can be endured. I wonder if I will eventually lose complete sight of who Tonja really is inside and turn into a stranger who does strange things. I wonder if I (we) are actually the right people for this job. Is it even remotely possible that Mark and I will be able to hold Anthony's hand through this journey of hurt, pain, a constant hell and finally get to the other side still embracing each other?

That's my hope everyday.

My constant prayer.

We just need to keep weathering the storm and one day, hand in hand, we'll see the most beautiful sunshine and rainbow.

One day the darkness will be defeated.

Right?

I pray that the storm will rage as strong and however long it needs to right now so that Anthony can be completely healed and freed.

Please pray for our endurance through this journey.

Introducing Taitum Jane

2012-01-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

Today was destined to be amazing!

From the moment I got the call around 4:00 this morning - The baby is coming! The baby is coming! The baby is coming! (My students made a fabulous ring tone just for this occasion!) - I was filled with anticipation and excitement.

I'm not sure if any experience could ever top having the privilege to be a part of welcoming a child into this world. It was just completely amazing.

Meet my hero....

My sister has always been amazing; however, it took me awhile to see it. (I always cringe at the early years when I had the mindset of I'm-five-years-older-and-so-much-better-than-you....) Ever since I left for college we started a relationship that has grown into daily and multiple conversations about anything and everything that's honest and real and raw. She is my best friend. She always makes a bad situation brighter and makes normal, everyday life so much better with her great sense of humor.

Speaking of humor, I love the picture that was captured today. Not only was she a ROCK STAR because she got into an amazing pattern of breathing, focusing and zoning the world out through every contraction she also stayed true to her spunky, hilarious personality, which kept everyone laughing. The delivery room today was a perfect mixture of peaceful serenity and Manda's natural comedy hour. Through all of her pain she remembered every doctor and nurses' name and had them laughing with her "did you bring the quiche - I'm starving"...."I need a quiet sign they use in golf to hold up through contractions"...."ding ---- services needed in layaway"...."make sure your hand gets lost up there so you can tell me I'm at a 10"...."do you hear a cat meowing?"....

I was so impressed with her ability to stay calm and work through all of the pain. I was amazed that she didn't make a sound and had a great rhythm of laboring. Simply put, I am so very proud of her! She truly was amazing.

NOTE: I realize I am being redundant and using the word amazing way too much in a single piece of writing. However, today truly was just that. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

All of the stars definitely aligned today and Manda got the perfect team of nurses and doctors. They immediately picked up on her labor rhythm and went with it; they were sure to explain every step in detail and answer any questions with utmost patience; and they, too, appreciated the tone/fun (yes, FUN, at times) of the room. They were a perfect mixture of being good natured, professional and real. It really was a pleasure to watch all of them work and see how they were helping Manda to have the best experience possible.

The countdown:

6:30 - The Tuttles arrive in Duluth after many long hours/days of contracting

7:00 - The first check reveals she's dilated to a NINE!

7:30 - I arrive breathless thinking I was going to miss out on the action - YIKES!

10:25 - The epidural was completed and her water was broken.

10:50 - The final check revealed she was dilated to a TEN!

11:15 - Final preparations are made - the nurses are ready - let's do this!

11:17 - The first push begins

12:23pm - After sixty-six minutes of pushing a miracle entered this world!

Taitum Jane Tuttle

January 6, 2012

12:23pm

6 pounds 13 ounces

20 inches long

100% loved and wanted

A complete miracle

Thank you, Damon and Manda, for allowing me to be a part of this beautiful experience. I will cherish this day forever. xoxo

PS - Could this be my welcome back to the blogging world after months of being silent?! We'll see...

Tuesday's Randomness

2011-09-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Chai tea with friends and a long phone conversation with my sister is definitely the way to start out the week!

Clearly it's a good thing we are going to church and Anth is attending Sunday School. He wanted to know why there was a big plus sign at the front of the church.

Hearing Chubby Chubberton say Auntie! Antee! Hi! AWESOME! on the phone really is so very wonderful.

I quickly found out that figurative language/idioms are not something easily understood by little boys. I told Anth that I was "pooped out" sometime this weekend when he wanted to stay up later than his bedtime. He thought I pooped my pants. Pooped O-U-T.

Zoey the Wonder Dog celebrated her sixth birthday yesterday. Yes, I realize it's a bit bizarre that I actually have it written down on my calendar, but she's such a huge part of our family too.

Luckily we got to say goodbye to our beloved ice cream truck and hear the jingle one last time in our neighborhood. Summer already feels like a way distant memory even though it's only the third week of school.

Quin (aka LeRoy) is definitely getting bigger and cuter each and every time I see him. A favorite is the monthly interview that he does for the world to see. Love it! Click here to check out the cuteness for yourself!

Grandparents who spend the weekend visiting really is a great thing! (It's even better when A gets out his camera! SMILE, PAPA MARV! You made the Hat Trick again!)

Today I had the pleasure of hearing Rachel's Challenge at an assembly at school. Even though I lived through the story of Columbine shooting while at BSU and had heard a similar presentation years ago, I was totally inspired by her life and the prophetic words she left behind. Her legacy/challenge to others is something that makes so much sense and really could change a school, community, world.

Dream big and believe in yourself
Be kind to others
Practice positive gossip
Show appreciation to those you love
Be the Answer!

I'm still working on being honest and using the phrase "sucks like shit" when I need too. The response to that particular post - on the blog, on facebook, on other blogs and email - has all been positive and so encouraging. It's been a good reminder that people really do appreciate when you can stop hiding behind the facade of "everything is good".

So if I'm being honest with myself and those that care about us enough to read our family blog then I would have to say that right now things are tough. Tonight was the second night in a row that Anthony was completely full of rage and letting it all out on Mark and I. (I should define rage. It's like a tantrum times 1,000,000,000 with lots of frothing at the mouth, hitting and vivid word choice said in a constant screaming voice.) You would think that medication would be the key and all would be well. (I should have know better! Just like I thought removing a colon would be key to totally feeling better. Ha!) All of this chaos just feels awful --- it's heartbreaking and so extremely exhausting. I keep wondering what I have missed along the way, what are we doing wrong, and when will this situation truly get better. I also keep wondering what lessons I am suppose to learn throughout all of this. Is it patience? Is it how to truly love? Is it being faithful?

Every smile is treasured. Every kind word is appreciated. Every wonderful moment is a reason to give thanks and hope for more to come even if some nights are filled full of awful rages.

Coincidence?

2011-09-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

The more I experience life the more I find myself moving away from the belief that there are just random coincidences that happen. Random, surprising, wonderful, and awful things do happen, but what if it all happens for a reason? Perhaps there truly are no coincidences after all.

Tonight's weekly therapy appointment was hard. The rage started immediately and lasted throughout the whole session. Luckily I had our gifted therapist guiding me through the tantrum, prompting me with the words to say and constantly steering me back to "it's okay". Her voice of reason and reassuring eyes are always much appreciated after every parenting tip and technique has been tried, but failed miserably during a stormy fit. It's through moments like these that I learn and grow from her advice and plethora of effective techniques to use. Even though the appointments are typically exhausting I leave feeling like I've accomplished something and we're getting even closer to a different norm for our lives.

Anth is now tucked into bed and another night of calmness has settled into our home. While checking my email I found a gem of a surprise --- an email from his therapist.

You are doing a GREAT JOB! I know it gets old to hear and sometimes does not feel that way, but you are AMAZING. I know our session was hard and appeared that he was not processing, but he was and will continue to do so! Breathe, relax and repeat to yourself what you told him: you are kind, you are worthy of love, you are wanted, you are amazing, you are smart. Everything is NOT fine, but will be better.

I feel fortunate to work with someone who understands the symptoms/rages of RAD and is so willing to work with our family. Not only does she take time to truly HELP and SHARE her knowledge she also takes time to send an encouraging and needed note. After so many therapists and dead end therapy interventions for A, I'm choosing to believe that her presence in our life is not coincidence. It's purposeful and feels almost tailor made to fit our needs. Without a doubt, it feels like we are on the right path and that so much good will blossom from these sessions in the long run.

I choose to believe it's not just coincidence when if feels so personal, so right. I thank God instead.

What is Love?

2011-09-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

A thoughtful individual who sends a beautiful bouquet of flowers for all of my first days back to a new school year. This colorful arrangement is celebrating #11. Thank you, mom, for never missing a beat and always making me feel like I am so loved.

Sucks like Shit

2011-09-11T02:35:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the polite conversation that happens everyday all over the place....

Hi, how are you?
Good! And how are you doing today?
Great!

I'm going to break the mold and just be real.

Last week was a doosey to say the least. By the time Wednesday rolled around I found myself visiting our favorite family doctor with these sharp stabbing pains underneath my rib cage that just wouldn't quit. I couldn't get a complete breath without the pain sabotaging my air supply. I couldn't sleep at night in a natural position, but rather needed to be propped up in order to keep the pain at bay. I quickly found that teaching was near impossible. The first week is all about ME. It's high energy, it's lots of conversation and it's about getting 120 students quickly on Team Hanson so that the rest of the year they feel comfortable and want to be (and yes, LEARN!) in their English class. However, all of that was really difficult with, once again, this stabbing, awful, never ceasing, enormous pain.
Ugh.
So by Wednesday I finally took the advice of my hubby and made an appointment. When I described my condition over the phone I was sent back to the nurse's line and then promptly told that I needed to have someone drive me to the ER immediately. However, I told the nurse politely that I couldn't do that because I had one block left to teach for the day. Would it be okay if I just came in immediately after school gets out?

Warning: Foreshadowing is happening here! Clearly I have a problem.

I quickly get to our great little clinic in town and describe all my symptoms to a very concerned looking nurse and then once again for our beloved family doctor. We get to the point in the appointment where she asks me to hop up on the exam table and do the "just breath" exercises. While she's finishing up she casually asks, "So how is Anthony doing? Are you enjoying your first week back?"
With those words came immediate tears --- a torrent flood of tears. And then we talked. The more we talked the more I cried. The more I was honest the further I got from the cover of "I'm good. How are you?". When I really opened up and said some really hard stuff I saw our beloved family doctor cry too. Not once. Not twice. But three times. And she hugged me. Not once. Not twice. But three times as well. My honesty propelled her honesty and within that conversation the weight begin to lift and I came to a scary realization of what I had done to myself.

This is the first year that I didn't want to go back to school at all. AT ALL. Although the summer was difficult at times I really enjoyed being able to be just Anthony's mom. (By that I mean the mom that schedules everyday, does play therapy parenting, that brings him to his to weekly therapy, the one that has lost all sense of what just being a mom actually looks like.) Last Saturday night I couldn't sleep and I laid in bed thinking. My thoughts quickly turned to all the things I wouldn't be able to do when the school year started, all the things I couldn't accomplish and all of my shortcomings of not getting everything accomplished this summer. Then I started, unconsciously, making a list of my worries. And I did this until I finally fell asleep that night. My mind raced and my list continued to grow and became larger and larger. When I woke up on Sunday I rolled over and immediately noticed the pain. I immediately couldn't breath well laying on my back or my side so I thought that was my cue to get up. So by 6:00 I was up and ready to tackle the to do list of the day. However, I quickly became nauseated and found myself propping up a blanket and going back to bed until 10:30. I woke up with a start and immediately felt guilty that I had dared to sleep in that late when there was so much to get done before school started and the boys came back from their weekend trip up north. Shame on you, Tonja! You need to clean, get prepared for the school year and on and on and on...

Ugh. By now your keen senses are telling you what I couldn't even see or begin to understand. I still was clueless.

So I spent the day finalizing the lesson plans that I had stayed up until 1:00 making the night before. By lesson plans I mean every day mapped up in English through December. There was a situation that had happened at work during the previous week and I eagerly agreed to help out by taking on a student teacher and then taking on extra responsibilities. Yes and yes! I did so by knowing that I was giving up my 1/2 day off on Thursday and the whole Friday off of workshop week to get all this extra stuff done. I just wanted to make sure that I had everything in order so that the year would run smoothly in my class and could start smoothly in another. Once again I started to see, though, all of the shortcomings of my planning. I really wanted to do this and that; however, I took the easy way out by writing down a lot of what I have done in the past. How is my teaching ever going to get better if I constantly do what I've done before?

Fast forward to Wednesday's appointment. It FINALLY hit me.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF?

WHEN DID I BECOME THIS PERSON?

My doctor used words like perfection, anxiety, being too hard on myself, not being able to see the true picture of my life, etc. The more we talked, the more I cried and the better I felt. There would be no EKG required or a further investigation into the source of the pain. At that moment I finally realized that I was the source. I had morphed into an individual who, at that point, looked vastly different from the person I have always known. I realized, crushingly, that all my stress and worries and noted shortcomings were physically making me ill and that I needed to take immediate steps to make sure I didn't continue down this destructive path.

So when she suggested anti-anxiety meds I said absolutely! When she suggested talking to a therapist I agreed wholeheartedly. I walked out of the clinic that day visibly feeling lighter and with the inability to get a full breath receding to a memory.

Right now I am hoping that I woke up wide awake at 3:00 in the morning with this story forming in my head not because I truly am crazy, but because I am meant to share this story with others. When it comes to mental health issues there is a definite stigma attached. Some people don't view what can happen in the mind as significant as say having surgery to remove a diseased and defunct colon. BUT IT IS! I believe they are both damaging and both need to be treated. Plus it is absolutely OKAY to talk about it, share with others and let people IN as you are trying to get back to a healthier you.

I gladly type this with the spirit of telling you sometimes life sucks like shit. (Not my phrase, my doctor's. She challenged me to actually say that to people when something tough is going on or I'm not feeling my best. Just be honest.) I would never have thought to say that to anybody before because I am the smiley face collecting, B+, choosing your attitude, upbeat, full of energy teacher/mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter, but sometimes it might be the most appropriate thing to say. I need to be real with no strings attached. Somewhere along the line I've been losing that and myself. I'll be real, but then worry about what others are thinking and then worry about what I need to do to be better. It's a spiral journey down to nowhere. I choose not to exist there. Wednesday I climbed out of that way of thinking. By Thursday the pain was gone and my mind felt less cluttered. On Friday I got a needed validation from my amazed student teacher who wants me to teach her the layers of immediately forming an environment of learning where students are engaged and want to be there.

The journey of being kinder to myself and giving the grace I extend to others onto myself is the path I am on. The worries that hold me like a vise need to be pried away if I am going to life a healthy life. I just need to be. Exist. Love. Breath.

Back to School

2011-09-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

One would have thought that Santa was arriving the next day with all the excitement and inability to fall asleep at our house last night. The thought of starting another school year made for a restless night for the both of us. Anthony was still awake way after 11:00. When I went into his room he told me he was just too happy to fall asleep. Luckily, going to school is still deemed as being fun.

The best part of our going back to school day wasn't the sensory overload this morning, which resulted in the jacket being flung out the sliding glass door and taking over 25 minutes just to get dressed. (Those DARN socks and the "stupid" new hoodie daddy bought this weekend!) It happened the night before while the two of us rocked, prayed and spent a little snuggle time together. I was opening up and sharing with him that I felt really excited, but nervous at the same time hoping I could touch on some of the same feelings he was having as well. Anth immediately wanted to know why I would be nervous and I said that I'm worried I might not say the right thing or the students won't like me. Again thinking that he might be feeling the same way inside. It was the next thing he said that I was unprepared for. It was one of those buckle your seat belt moments in life. It was a statement that took my breath away and filled me with such incredible love ---- Anthony's love. For me these moments are even more special because they are so very rare and they show me that all we're doing as Anthony's parents has a purpose and absolutely does matter.

"Momma, don't be nervous about meeting your students tomorrow.

They'll love you just like I do."

Unbelievable. I had to write it down immediately so I wouldn't forget.

Clearly I have a thing or two to learn from the budding photographer, Bubsa Boo. The top picture is my attempt to capture his first day back while the bottom is his I-must-take-a-picture-of-your-first-day-too shot. He nailed it while I got a shot of fuzziness. I think a take two will be in order for tomorrow. Just goes to show me once again that I have so much to learn from my little (big) boy!

Here's to another great school year and more glimmers of hope.

See How I've Grown!

2011-09-06T17:20:00.001-07:00

F-I-V-E

2011-09-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

The birthday shot

I definitely was a little sad to see my Bubsa Boo turn five; however, I was reassured when Anthony made me a promise.

I can still hug him.

I can still give him kisses.

We can still read books together.

Cuddling and rocking is okay when you're five.

We can still go for bike rides, take trips to the library, go swimming on the weekends, and eat lots of popcorn at the movie theater.

Our little boy is definitely growing up faster than I could imagine, but it's nice to know he's still needing and wanting time with his momma.

Birthday Party #2

2011-09-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

Anthony has fallen in love with the water and has really taken his swimming to a whole new level this summer. It really came as no surprise when he wanted to have his birthday party at the "library pool" with his friends. It was another fun, laid back party full of treats and too many times down the water slide to count! Thank you to our great friends for taking time out to celebrate with us.

What a card!

Our water bug

Emerson's daddy is so silly!

The Becker-amily crew

Miss Amalia - almost one

Emers - three

Andi - seven months

Cam-a-roo - four

Ry - five

The Birthday Boy!

Quinnie Pants - one month

Adele and her baby - almost two

Hope.

2011-09-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

I love being surprised.

I love getting unexpected, thoughtful mail.

A friend of a friend who has become my friend these past couple of years managed to do both of those things and completely make my day. I love when the gestures of individuals completely blow you away and their thoughtfulness brings a positive feeling to the whole day.
Your message did indeed fill me with hope and continues to do so every time I take a peek at your thoughtful gift. Thank you.

Sneak Peek

2011-09-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that my sister - Manda's Shots - does A's photographs.

Anthony has never been a sit down, pose, do this, do that kind of kid.

He's a boy.

He loves to be active.

She just let's him be.

They have fun, they laugh and through it all she gets fabulous shots.

I cannot wait to see the rest!

GR's Children's Museum

2011-09-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Being that we live 2 1/2 hours away I always love when I can get some auntie time in when we go up north. Fortunately I was able to spend some time with my VIBs (very important boys) and give my sister some much needed down time. Grand Rapids has a great little children's museum that always keeps Anthony entertained so we decided to spend our morning playing the hours away. They enjoyed being in every room with the water table (no surprise!), fireman and music room being absolute favorites.

A #1 as the Tin Man

A #2 as the Lion

(FYI: This would be another Anthony shot as I'm holding Ash up in the back!)

Fun, fun, fun was had by all until the evil chairs caused Ash to take a spill and then Anth fell not once, but twice. Needless to say, after a long duration of playing we left the museum in tears. Darn slippery floor and naught chairs!

Mr. & Mrs. Hummingbird

2011-09-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

Meet the Hummingbird Whisperer

Okay.

That might be a stretch.

It's really just my dad.

I've never been an avid bird watcher; however, it would be impossible not to enjoy the various birds that inhabit my parents backyard with their various feeders. The hummingbird population seems to continue to grow each year to the point that mom and dad now have two feeders that they need to replenish everyday. There are many times you can be sitting at the table and looking out to see both feeders full of birds enjoying the sugary substance. It really is a beautiful sight to see.

Photographer?

2011-09-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

While at grammie's house Anth wanted to use my camera to capture some pictures too. I think we have a budding photographer on our hands!

Birthday Party #1

2011-09-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

It was decided that this year Anthony would have two birthday parties to celebrate turning FIVE. The first one was up north with family. Unfortunately, Grammie Kathy had foot surgery and was unable to leave the house. So A and I went to visit her and open his gift before the party.

Later on we met the rest of our family at Sammy's Pizza, which has become A's favorite restaurant. It was a laid back, fun night of pizza, gifts, cake and conversation. (Unfortunately, all of my camera batteries died so there are few pictures that captured the evening.)

After the pizza came the best part that A was so looking forward to. Along with Uncle Damon, Auntie Manda and Asher we went to the Demolition Derbies at the fairground. Anthony thoroughly enjoyed watching the cars smash up and picking which car would make it to the very end.

Itasca County Fair

2011-09-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

In August Anthony and I went up north for a long weekend (daddy joined us after work on Friday) so that we could spend an entire day with the Arlts at their house and at the fair. It was a great day with the only downfall being that the Paulsruds weren't able to join us for the fair this year. (I missed you, Mol!) Even though Anth was super tired he enjoyed going on multiple rides (got to take advantage of grammie buying a wrist band!) and spending time with his two up north pals. It was great to spend time with Rach and the kids as well as have a surprise run in with the Davis family too!

Modern Day Love

2011-09-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Mark absolutely will not want this picture and writing posted on the blog, but I truly couldn't resist. I heard the vacuum going in the garage and peeked out to find him cleaning out our disaster of a van. After a summer of camping, parades, multiple trips up north, weekly therapy appointments, trips to the pool, various county fairs, etc the spaceship was a disaster. More often than not I find it's the little, mundane things that really matter. Every time Mark does something like this or folds a load of clothes, mows the lawn, washes dishes, cleans up Anthony's room, goes grocery shopping I feel his genuine love for me and our little family. That modern day love (thank you so much for the accurate term, WJF!) will always mean more to me than flowers and poetry.

A Perfect Friday Evening

2011-09-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

It's time to play end-of-the-summer catch-up in the blog department! Looking back on those beautiful summer days there were so many highlights. We were fortunate to have another wonderful summer of family, friends and fun. A definite highlight was attending Michael's (aka Monster Mike!) gig on a beautiful Friday evening by the lake in Annandale. We have always known that Michael is a fabulous choir teacher (I'm still sad Becker lost him a few years ago...) as well as a gifted musician. It was great to see him in a different setting with three other talented guys making absolutely beautiful music. Even Anthony was completely entertained and at times started singing & dancing too. It was surprising as we drove home that our favorite song of the evening was the same - an amazing, completely blow-you-away rendition of Hallelujah.

Monster Mike and Lola

Thank you friends for another delightful summer evening

that will be remembered even when the chill of fall/winter sets in.

A blessing cannot be kept

2011-08-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am behind --- WEEKS behind.
I keep thinking about blogging, but then find myself at the pool or on a bike ride or doing something else to soak up those precious final days of summer vacation. And now I just completed my third, busy, meeting filled, paperwork overload, back-to-school workshop day. It feels like I'll now be forever busy and never get a chance to update and write about our family's happenings! Believe me there is plenty to say! There are tons to pictures to share...A's 5th birthday parties up north and at the "library pool"...end of the summer stories... Everything continues to stack up and is waiting to be published.
Eventually everything will be published.
Perhaps this Labor Day weekend in between planning out the entire year's curriculum?
Maybe when this horrible root canal ceases in it's torment?
Soon. I promise.

Until then I feel compelled to share something I read days ago that I continue to think about each day. I often talk about my (completely genuine) feelings of being thankful, appreciative, and blessed in my life. It should come as no surprise that I read something titled "You are so blessed" and felt compelled to share what I cannot stop thinking about.

If you are feeling blessed, repay the blessings bestowed unto you and do something for others.

A blessing cannot be kept. If it stops with you, then the blessing will disappear. The blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.

Reading this was a good reminder to be more than just thankful. I need to continue to recognize the blessings in all situations in my life and to always remember to give back that feeling of good, love, gratitude, kindness, acceptance, joy, laughter (etc, etc, etc) to others. That's why I smile even when I want to be gobbling down the percocet for this darn tooth!

I hope you are feeling loved & appreciated, giving thanks & then finding ways to give it away to those around you!

LOVE!

2011-08-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

Looks like Ms. Hanson is going back to school

with a little (nerdy Scrabble) style (that's totally ME!) thanks to WJF and Etsy!

This almost makes me excited to go back in two weeks...

The Journey

2011-08-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning while walking out the door I spotted this perfect, sidewalk chalk hand print of Anthony's in light blue barely dusting the surface of the wall. Immediately I smiled and laughed out loud. Anthony even stopped to ask why I was being so happy (and perhaps just being downright weird).

I know many moms might see that hand print and get upset at the mess or immediately want to scrub it off. Three days later the chalky print still remains and I cannot help but feel happy that it's there. It's a tangible reminder of the little boy who lives here and who has forever made an impression on my heart regardless of all that has happened and all that will continue to happen in the future.

While at our weekly horse therapy appointment his therapist was pointing out definite changes since we started working together back in June. After she told me that I realized she was absolutely right. Too many times I'm praying and hoping for the "big picture" to change that I miss the little things. It was a great reminder. Progress has been made and is continuing to be made each and every day that we're together. I know in my heart that someday all of the reading of books, RAD workshops, therapy sessions and time spent together as a family will matter. I feel strongly that a heart that has been hurt can be healed --- it just takes time.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

Mom's Little Helper

2011-08-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we put on our aprons (thanks auntie!), got out the mixer and whipped up a new recipe of homemade brownies.

Unfortunately, they were the worst brownies I had ever tasted. Mark agreed. Only Anth disagreed for whatever reason. The recipe has now been thrown away and the brownies will likely go next. At least I got some pictures of my cutie patootie assistant baker to enjoy!

Tall Timber Days

2011-08-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

Heading up north in the summer time is always wonderful even when the drive home always looks like this around Mille Lacs Lake.

All of the inch by inch, stop and go action is bearable because of the opportunity to spend time with our families in DR/GR. Last weekend Anth and I head up to see my mom who was recovering from foot surgery and then spend the rest of the time in GR for Tall Timber Days. The best was Sunday's parade that last an hour and a half on a splendid and much cooler than usual day. Even though this was our third parade of the summer and we really did not need any more candy, I'm so glad we went. Maybe we were saving the best for last?!

It was great because Anthony got to spend even more time with

Grammie Carol and Papa Marv!

There was a real life fireman walking around...

as well as Ronald McDonald

(a pirate, roller derby girls, a "green man", Shriners motorcycles and go carts too)!

But none of those things were as good as hearing Papa Marv use his voice to let a certain elected official know what he thought of her recent decisions! He even got a whole handful of candy from another elected official that he never voted for back in November! Our future Shriners Club, motorcycle-riding-in-parades papa sure had us laughing!

The best part for me was watching Anthony proudly waving "our flag" to all the floats while sitting on the curb by his loved cousin, auntie and uncle knowing that these days of summer and being with family are an absolute gift.

This smile (and mouth full of as much candy as he could shove in without mom seeing it) says it all and makes the trip up and back always worth it.

A's 2nd Annual Grammie List

2011-08-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Anthony told Grammie Carol last weekend that all he wanted for his birthday (14 days and counting) was a pet snake.

WHAT?!

I SERIOUSLY do not think so kiddo!

A DOG is the perfect pet...not a creepy, crawly SNAKE.

The whole pet snake thing continued on for a few days until yesterday when he came up with a brilliant plan for the two of us to do today. He didn't think that he would actually get a pet snake from Grammie Carol so instead he wanted to go to Target, look around and have pictures taken of the things he actually did want for his birthday with the hopes his grammies would grant his wishes. So today we did just that and had a blast looking through the toy aisle. Clearly this boy knows what he likes and doesn't (obviously...just check out all the following pictures!) and not once was there any whining or begging to get something.

Buckle your seat belts, grammies and papas! Here's Anthony's REAL list --- no snakes included!

I know this may look a bit obnoxious posting this, but it really was his idea once again this year and we had such a great time looking and spending time together today. On the ride home Anthony was telling me how much fun he had and that he loves summer the best. "Summer is all about swimming in the pool, eating ice cream and spending time with momma." Aw. What a smile inducing comment and a great trip to Target!

Today's Lesson

2011-08-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

"It's okay to be different, momma."

Absolutely!
Thanks for the reminder, Bubsa Boo.

Antee & Ashee

2011-08-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

Happiness.

Joy.

AJ & AJ

Cousin love.

Carpe Diem

2011-08-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

This morning it hit me hard that only three weeks remain in our summer break together. I know that sounds slightly greedy being we have had, thankfully, three whole months together, but I am sad to see it quickly coming to an end. There is still so much I want to do and still so much that needs to be done in helping repair a hurt child. Right now I'm not mentally ready to begin another busy, stressful year of teaching even though I absolutely love what I do.

So instead of moping I decided to consciously make the most out of each and everyday. I started the day off with getting something accomplished off of the long forgotten to do list I made in May --- cleaning the oven. After that messy and not-at-all-fun-but-completely-necessary job was completed, A and I got down to the nitty gritty of our day.

We colored.

We talked and laughed.

We made a birthday countdown with markers, scissors and tape.

We watched Scooby-Doo for over an hour.

We made fresh-out-of-our-garden zucchini bread.

We danced.

We tandem biked.

We went to swimming lessons.

We went for a family walk.

There are only 18 days left until my Bubsa Boo turns FIVE (WHOA!) and only 20 days before I step back into the roll of mom/wife/teacher/housekeeper/meal planner-coupon clipper-grocery buyer + anything and everything else that pops up.

Here's to the next 19 mornings of getting up and just getting to be Anthony's mom.

Rice Creek Camping

2011-08-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Way back before summer even started Gretchen and I found time on our busy calendars for a weekend of camping together. At the time we didn't know where we would go or would else would come with us, but we knew we wanted to carve out a few days of summer to devote to getting our families together and spending some time roughing it in the great outdoors.

The summer has been flying by and our camping weekend came more quickly than I originally thought it would. Gretchen found a great spot going towards the cities - very strange for us because we always camp up north - and once we got there we realized what a gem it is. The sites were spacious and clean and the beach was close and a little kids' sandy shore dream.

The Changas, Hares, Sellheims and us all had our tents set up by Friday evening and were ready to have a great weekend together.

Anth and "Emers" played and played and played and played and played...

The boys were all about having some shirtless fun Friday night!

Gretchen brought the entertainment and laughs!

Interesting flashlight, Sellheim!

LaMont is kicking!

Bubbles = even more shirtless fun!

The beach and it's water feature was a blast for A.

Naked Adele is loose on the beach!

The high 90 degree weather was just fine

as long as we were taking frequent dips in the lake!

Everyone had fun even the daddies!

Sleeping babies...

Andie and Amalia

Saturday night brought a storm that caused us to seek shelter at the shower facilities. Luckily all the kiddos fell asleep in the vans while the storm raged through the area. When we got back to our campsites we found two of the tents a bit damp/wet in spots, but overall fine to sleep in. The Changas abode, though, looked much, much different. Their camp spot had turned into a lake with ankle deep water around and in their tent. Needless to say, our sleeping arrangements had to be improvised for the night.

The trusty Eddie Bauer Christmas-gift-from-Carol-tent was turned into the Red Cross Refuge Tent that housed the Changas and Hansons for the evening. In the morning everything was soaked, lack of sleep was evident, but we could all laugh with the knowledge everyone was safe and this was sure to be a camping trip we would never forget.

Hopefully the typhoon of 2011 won't deter anyone in the future and this can become an annual get together for those who like to tent it up and get outdoors.

Our Wednesday Visit

2011-08-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday night A and I spent the evening with Jenn and the boys while the daddies were busy doing their thing - fishing league for Luke and a work trip to Valley Fair for Mark. (Yes, I said a work trip to Valley Fair. What a rough company Mark works for, huh?! My school district is always doing fun work trips as well as providing lunch from Chipotle. HA! The business world is so drastically different than the education world.) It was a great night of watching the "big boys" play, loving up little Quin and seeing my amazing friend continue to do amazing things as a mother of three beautiful boys. Of course I totally enjoyed my time chatting with Jenn; however, for Anthony it was all about Ry and Cam's new, awesome, wonderful, BIG, blue pool.

He is in love.

Seriously in love.

It was a wonderful summer night and I left feeling very thankful.

At one point Jenn went inside to cool off and feed Quin. I had the pleasure of staying outside with the boys. As I sat on the patio watching I overheard their conversation. Anthony was very nervous to wear goggles, but really wanted to try it too. Rylan went totally into Luke Feierabend coaching mode and it was the cutest, bring-tears-to-your-eyes conversation I have heard in a long time. Not only did Ry help adjust the goggles and give advice, but he also kept cheering Anthony on and telling him that he could do it. In the end, A wore his goggles with a smile on his face and I was left feeling so grateful for this special little guy that is a part of our Becker-amily.

Cam and Anthony really seem like long lost brothers.

The things they do are so similar (and weird!) it's like they are destine to be great pals!

All smiles!

Jenn looks amazing and is doing an incredible job!

Mr. Quin is almost three weeks old in this shot.

He's still just a little guy, but oh so sweet and a great snuggler.

Dinosaur Mania

2011-07-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Anthony loves playing on the iPad and does so every morning so this momma can snooze in a bit and slowly wake up. (Seriously. Who gets up before 6:00 every morning when you DO NOT HAVE TO?! Leave it to A!) This week I purchased some new apps with the hope he can continue to be entertained as well as learn a ton during those early morning hours. One app "Ultimate Dinopedia" has become an instant favorite. National Geographic Kids has created an application that is a complete dinosaur reference book that includes pictures, short tutorials and even video clips. How PERFECT for this dino-lover! To say the least, Anthony has completely fallen in love with the new app and did not want to put it down. (The picture above is of him waiting for the bus on his last day of the extended school year. "Just one more, momma...") All day I have been learning different facts about dinosaurs through A and seeing his love for this topic be cultivated even more. He's just so darn excited over it.

Could all of this have happened with just a book?
Can I bottle up this love of learning to use during the tougher years of school? PLEASE!
How much is technology cementing and enhancing his learning?

One this is for sure, I LOVE our iPad (and getting the chance to invisibly press snooze every morning)!

Messy & Wet = Fun, Fun, Fun!

2011-07-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

A night of playing outside with daddy after supper quickly became a huge mural of sidewalk chalk designs on the garage floor to the idea of getting the chalk wet and creating even better designs to the best idea of getting the hose, filling up a bucket and getting completely wet! What a fun sight I was summoned outside for Monday night!

Heavenly Montana-Sized Chocolate Chip Cookies

2011-07-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

This recipe was shared by a co-worker after she made & brought a batch of these super yummy cookies to work one day. Today I made a batch of my own and was reminded just how good they really are (and super easy to make). I love their big "monster size" and the fact that you can alter it a bit to suit your tastes. One thing is for sure --- this cookie is Y-U-M-M-Y!

Ingredients

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup dark brown sugar, packed
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups rolled oats (old-fashion or quick-cooking)

1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips and 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
OR
3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips and 3/4 cup butterscotch chips
OR
1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips and 1/2 cup Craisins
OR
whatever combination you would like to try!

Directions

Preheat over to 325 degrees. Grease cookie sheets.

In large bowl cream butter and sugars. Beat in eggs and vanilla.

In a separate bowl, mix flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Beat it into creamed mixture. Mix in oats, chocolate chips and walnuts.

With a 1/4 cup measure, scoop out 1/4 cup batter per cookie, placing 5 inches apart on greased cookie sheets. Bake for almost 20 minutes or until top is dry and slightly cracked.

Makes 18 4-inch cookies

Say What?!

2011-07-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

Anthony has had quite the statements recently that have caused lots of laughter. I love the things he comes up with!

A: Momma! Penguins could live in our house.
M: Why do you say that bud?
A: Because you keep it so cold in here.

Hhhmmm...I thought AC on those ridiculous hot and steamy days was a good thing, but the Bubsa Boo clearly thinks otherwise.

Thursday night I was making supper when Anthony strolls into the kitchen just as I'm putting the taco pie all together.

A: Eeeeewwwwwwww! You're putting dog poop on our supper?! (Be sure to read this completely loud and obnoxious!)
M: Anth, it's called refried beans and they're really good.
A: Well, it looks like dog poop. I don't want to eat dog poop.

Okay, he has a point. Refried beans DOES look a bit nasty even though it tastes great, but does it look like dog poop?!

Saturday night we were driving back from St. Cloud and a visit to the ER (Stupid mom moment.... Apparently, Bounce Depot's bouncies + this momma doesn't mix well together! Ugh.) when Anthony became all exasperated with us.

A: (loudly stating) You two are air-a-toot-ies!

Of course we giggled because he was so serious and loud and totally frustrated with us. I finally turned around after he stated it a few times to get the definition of such an obscure word.

M: What does that mean, bud?

A: It's when you can hear, but you don't hear just like Papa Marv.

Oh my goodness! Mark and I couldn't stop laughing at his definition! Sorry Papa Marv! I guess we're all just a bunch of air-a-toot-ies.

Pioneer Woman Cooks

2011-07-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm still not sure what's more exciting --- the fact that I finally got the Pioneer Woman cookbook or the oh so cute butterfly wrapping/bow around it?

Hhhhmmmm.....

The cute wrapping/bow decor - which is something I could try, but never execute - has yet to come off. It will someday, but for now I'm just appreciating it's whimsical playfulness on the cover of this much anticipated and wanted cookbook.

Oh the recipes I'm going to try!

Chicken Pot Pie (again...)

Apple Pie

Guacamole

Pico de Gallo

Perfect Pie Crust

Artichoke Dip

Breakfast Bowls

Sangrias (YUM!)

Potato Skins

Cinnamon Rolls

Buttermilk Biscuits

Egg-in-the-hole

Maple Pecan Scones

Cornbread

Meatloaf (Side note: PW covers it in bacon!)

Twice Baked Potatoes (Making them tonight!)

TH thanks you TH for not only borrowing your cookbook to me, but then turning around and surprising me with my very own. You made my day!

Our Wonder Dog

2011-07-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Last week we had another scare with Zoey the Wonder Dog. Her back legs are progressively getting worse and will continue to do so. Just like a person every once in awhile her legs "go out" leaving her with the inability to move without crying out in pain.
Hearing her cry out in pain is the worst...
The knowledge that she's a dog and her lifespan is short to begin with is hard too...
Luckily the mixture of pain pills and anti-inflammatory medication is doing the trick for right now and she seems to be somewhat back to her old self --- running in the backyard, performing crazy 8's and making herself cozy on her favorite spots. However, she's doing all of that just a bit more gingerly and slower that she has in the past.
I know Zo's days are numbered and that's heartbreaking to me because I haven't loved a dog like this since the days of Sam in my childhood. I so wish I could extend her life so she could always be with us. It's only been five years; however, I cannot imagine our family without her. She truly is our Wonder Dog.

Brown Blankie Love

2011-07-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

Basking in July's Sunshine

2011-07-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

love

summer!

Black Light

2011-07-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

In an effort to stay comfortable during this sticky humidity there have been many days of popsicles, indoor AC fun as well as time cooling off in the backyard "water slide"/pool combo. Anthony is really enjoying swimming now and getting braver each time we go for a dip in the local pool. It's amazing how much he's grown up and improved! One thing he always practices is his "black lights" and he's becoming increasingly more comfortable with getting his whole head wet.

Auntie Tonna's Babysitting Service

2011-07-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Are you in a pinch and in desperate need for someone to watch you child?!

Never fear!

Just call Auntie Tonna's Babysitting Service!

I'll be sure to continue up the stairs

leaving an 18 month old to figure it out on his own.

Your little one too can experience the joy of falling down a flight of stairs

and get his/her personal black eye bruise exclusively at Auntie Tonna's!

Oy!

This auntie still feels horrible over her complete stupidity.

Ashee's Taste Test

2011-07-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hhhmmmm....Antee wanted Auntie Tonna to buy him something called a lemon when she went grocery shopping. I wonder what a lemon would taste like?

YOWZERS! This lemon thing-a-ma-jigger has some zing to it!

Seriously, mom?! Why would my cousin want something that tastes like this?!

Well if Antee wants it maybe I should too?! I'll just take another bite just to make sure I know exactly what it tastes like.

OMG!

Holly hairballs!

SNAP!

Cowabunga!

This is so bad...

it's almost good and a bit irresistible.

Never mind.

It's bad!

Bad!

BAD!

Okay, just one more try.

The pull of the lemon is sucking me in.

Hey! That wasn't so bad!

I think I kind of like it in a weird sour, but yummy/yucky sort of way.

Great idea, Antee!

Let's have more lemons the next time we get together.

Up North Visitors

2011-07-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm the luckiest boy in the world.

Last week I had not one, but TWO visits from my family I love!

First Papa and Grammie came down for two days

then my Auntie Manda, Uncle Damon and Ashee came for the weekend!

It was like the best week EVER!

Papa and Grammie,
Thank you for coming down to Becker for a few days. Momma is all excited about her new dishwasher and faucet; however, I know the REAL reason you came....ME! I had so much fun playing cars on the step, showing you my favorite playgrounds and my big boy school, reading books and just spending time together. Maybe we should do it again?!?!
Love you to the moon and back,
Anthony

See?! There they are! That's my Uncle Damon, Auntie Manda and the cutest cousin ever, Asher. Momma likes to call him Chubby Chubberton, but I like to call him Ashee. He's sure getting big (as big as I was when I came home!) and can do a lot of fun stuff now. We had fun playing at the park and I laughed hysterically when Ashee was getting all upset over the balloons. Thanks for coming down and seeing me! I'm already looking forward to our next get together.
Love you, Anthony

Wild Rice Festival

2011-07-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

My hometown's celebration "The World's Largest Wild Rice Festival" gets more and more entertaining and fun the older I get. Every summer it finds it's way onto our calendar and every year I leave knowing that I will definitely bring A back next year. It's a weekend of spending time with my family and enjoying the small town that I grew up in.

Anth trying out the new Jeep Grammie and Papa bought for A&A

He quickly moved onto bigger and better things, though. Papa's used/new-to-him Ford truck was a thrill to drive with Grammie! It certainly reminded me of days past when I would "drive" too.

This scene could easily be one taken right out of my childhood! Dad's reading the paper while Anth is eating breakfast/"reading" the back of the cereal box.

A hanging out by DR's big fish

Grammie sure knows how to find different things at the parade. Not only did she get piles of candy for A&A she also picked up this lovely spider that creeped it's way off of a float.

Uncle Damon and Ash

Sunday was bracelet day for $15. Being that the WRF is a small fair in a small town Anthony was able to enjoy going on rides multiple times. This is number 146 on the carousel with Grammie!

Luckily we ran into my cousin Ryan and his little girl Karly. She loves the dragon roller coaster just as much as A. They would get on, ride, get off, get back into line, and immediately get on again. Ride - line - ride - line - ride.... The two of them did this for a good 30+ minutes and were all smiles the entire time!

WEEEEEEEE!

Again there was a free outdoor concert - Joe Diffy this year - however, Anth didn't quite make it. All it took was one loop around the block with Uncle Damon and he was out. After an afternoon of the parade, riding on too many rides to count, and being out on a 90 degree day it's not a surprise that he was pooped.

LeRoy Larry Arrives!

2011-07-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome, cutie patootie!

Quinten Gene Feierabend

Born on Friday, July 8

10:16am

7 pounds, 4 ounces

19 inches long

North Star

2011-07-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite view and all-time favorite spot to spend a weekend camping. North Star Resort on Leech Lake has been a family tradition that dates all the way back to my childhood. Luckily we had a gorgeous 4th of July weekend to enjoy the lake with the next generation of our family. At Leech Lake it's all about the sandy beach, the clear water, spending lazy days outside and making memories that will last forever.

Sunshine for the Soul

2011-07-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sunshine

Clouds

Warm days

Strong winds

Calm nights

Raging storms

This actively depicts our July

I now know what it looks like to see my little boy pushed to the point of cracking.

Stories of his birth, birth mom, adoption, his past...

Trauma/attachment therapy has been too much, too soon, too fast.

Right now we are left feeling fragile and in pieces.

Today we go back to horse therapy and I

PRAY and continue to HOPE

that we'll be able to repair a hurting heart,

return to the calmness that joyfully came into our lives a few weeks ago

and see more beautiful Anthony sunshine flooding our lives.

Hope Floats

2011-06-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

I often write about hope amidst all the chaotic behavior we experience on a daily basis. It's not that I try to sound redundant and annoy the few who read, but rather hope always seems to be there floating about and making situations bearable. It's been a constant for me.

The past few weeks have been tough. Sure we've experienced worse and are probably far from hitting "rock bottom"; however, as the months roll by the strain of raising an emotionally dysregulated child takes a toll. It's hard to hear and see the daily anger and hatred & watch as my family struggles under the weight of such stress. Through it all I just keep praying, loving, giving thanks and HOPING that we're on the right track as well as on the cusp of a real breakthrough.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Anthony has now been further diagnosed with a mood disorder as well as an anxiety disorder. Our doctor is hesitant to label the mood disorder - depression, bi-polar, etc. - at such a young age; however, it showed up significantly in the testing and is impacting his everyday life. The part I really struggled with, and have been trying to work through since our last doctor's appointment on Friday, is the "where do we go from here?" million dollar question. Once again I heard the standard comments: you two are great parents, you are trying everything possible, you are seeking help and actively engaged in therapy, blah...blah...blah...

I just wish professionals could see the "behind the scenes" moments at our house and then give us some REAL help. Sometimes it takes over ten minutes just to get tennis shoes on; I can hear an "I hate you" and not even be in the same room; fighting sleep and struggling through the night is a daily occurrence; little food is eaten and everything is "disgusting"; physical aggression, rages, and impulsive behaviors continue to be the norm. Our stress level is high as well as our desire for a lasting change.

I should be hesitant to say this (darn HOPE!), but I really feel strongly that we may have finally found the right fit therapy-wise for our family. We may finally be at a place where real help is given and a beautiful, needed change can occur. I already feel a paradigm shift within myself (seriously!) and am praying the same will be true for our Bubsa Boo. We've only gone two times, but I already feel more educated and better equipped to handle parenting A in a whole different way. I know I should be more cautious in feeling/saying this, but hope continues to float and build.

Last night during bath time Anth asked me, "Momma, why did birth mommy give me to you?" We were able to have a great conversation and make, once again, the differentiation between the two moms in his life. He was able to hear his life story again and ask important clarifying questions along the way. I was glad he was able to verbalize his thoughts and let me into that fragile dialogue that, more than likely, runs through his mind often.

Tonight I sit here at the computer and bask in the glow of a wonderful day. Honestly! I feel no stress and the mood in our house just feels peaceful. For a whole day I used a new, suggested approach of "video moments", and, get this, it W-O-R-K-E-D! Granted, something that works today may not work tomorrow; however, it felt so good to be using the techniques taught at therapy in our daily lives and seeing actual results. There were NO tantrums today and constant screaming. There were NO timeouts. There WAS hitting, but it de-escalated almost immediately. There WERE moments of rage, but I was able to talk him through it and get him back to playing quite easily. The overall tone of our house was that of calmness. CALMNESS! It truly was a wonderful first day of parenting in a different way to obtain different results. It was absolutely refreshing and needed.

I am so thankful that it is summer right now. It gives me plenty of time to direct my focus on what really matters - my family. Our July is packed full of appointments as well as many days at home to continue to build a healthy attachment and work on communicating with each other. I pray that one day of success can snowball into others and that God will give us the strength to always continue. Tomorrow will be a new day with a new set of challenges. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Grammie Kaffee

2011-06-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

Anthony LOVES spending time with his grammies and was so excited that Grammie Kaffee was going to come down to stay with us, take him to Cars 2 and go watch a t-ball game. He had BIG plans for this get together - he wanted her to stay for 100 days and wasn't so sure she should leave after just three - and spent lots of time playing with his beloved grammie. Thanks for coming down, mom!

Fresh Picked Strawberries

2011-06-29T06:38:00.000-07:00

This pie is oh so easy to make (thanks allrecipes.com) and unbelievably tasty.

I couldn't help myself...

I enjoyed not one, but TWO pieces on the same day.

Ingredients

1 (8 inch) pie shell, baked
2 1/2 quarts fresh strawberries
1 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 cup boiling water
1 (3 ounce) package strawberry flavored gelatin

Directions

In a saucepan, mix together the sugar and corn starch; make sure to blend corn starch in completely. Add boiling water, and cook over medium heat until mixture thickens. Remove from heat. Add gelatin mix, and stir until smooth. Let mixture cool to room temperature.
Place strawberries in baked pie shell; position berries with points facing up. (I sliced the strawberries - totally up to you how you would like to do it!) Pour cooled gel mixture over strawberries.
Refrigerate until set. Serve with whipped cream, if desired.

A to Z

2011-06-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

Shirtless Pizza

2011-06-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday A and I traveled to Monti to give expecting parents a night out before Baby Feierabend 3.0 (aka LeRoy) makes his arrival into the world. The boys were ever so goofy - hence Cam's idea to go shirtless - and had a great time upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside, in the bouncy, coloring, building a road, dancing to Queen's We Will Rock You, swinging, playing with cars, riding bikes, and - whew! - making supper together. What a crew!

Love

these

boys.

I am in love....

2011-06-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

with a little boy who is all smiles and so happy for the bus to pick him up to take him to school. For the past two weeks it has been the highlight of his Monday-Wednesday morning. He completely enjoys momma getting him on the bus and seeing friends during the summer time. (And his momma completely enjoys the extra bit of time to cross off items on the summer to do list!)

with the unexpected surprise of beautiful flowers from a beautiful friend. Fresh cut flowers from personal gardens are the best!

with the arrival of the DC28 Dyson Animal Vacuum. It is the "suckiest" vacuum I've ever owned and I mean that in the best possible way.

with random cards that show up with the BEST Hallmark message. Sometimes it feels like fate that the creator new exactly what you needed to hear and your loved one cared enough to pick it out and send it your way. Love, love, love!

with a little boy's science experiment unfolding in the garage this week. The curiosity, questions, and hypotheses that are forming are so fun to be a part of. We've checked on our ants multiple times daily and he's made great observations about what we're seeing.

Oh, the hilarity!

2011-06-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

Call up the girls

Plan a night out

Grab some snacks

This is a movie you NEED to see!

Be prepared to laugh

and snort

and laugh some more.

Whoever wrote this script knows and understands women.

Two thumbs up!

PS - How could it not be fabulous with

WILSON PHILLIPS

performing at the end?!

PSS - I need to see this movie with my sister.

Her laugh would be contagious and non-stop!

Warning: You WILL want more!

2011-06-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

Something that is this good and highly addicting should be banned or at the very least NEVER left in our house. This snack mix is the best because it makes a huge batch and typically is a crowd pleaser.

Bring to boil:
1c butter
2c brown sugar
1/2c Karo syrup

Pour over:
1/2 box Crispex
1/2 box Rice Chex
1/2 box Corn Chex
1 bag of Fritos Corn Chips

Put on baking sheets and bake at 350 for 5-6 minutes, stir and bake for another 5-6 minutes. Spread on wax paper to cool. Add M&M's before you serve. Then BEWARE! You won't be able to stop snacking. It really is that good.

Cha, Cha, Cha, Changas

2011-06-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I am in love with Andie's lovely dovey personality and big, bright smile as well as Adele's "NO" and spunky, as always, personality. Lucky for me, I've been able to spend a few mornings watching them this summer and soaking in the girlie time.

Freedom Days Parade

2011-06-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

Parades with friends is definitely more fun!

The boys are lined up and ready to get some candy.

Emerson was a pro at covering one ear to block out the noise

and using the other hand to enjoy candy.

Miss Adele wasn't quite sure of the whole parade

- loud noises and candy being chucked at you.

The parade gang

Please note the splatter of water on the street.

NOTE TO SELF:

Do NOT sit by Gretchen at parades in the future!

She likes to call out students' names

who like to SOAK her and all around her

with an amazing water blasting device and water balloons.

Lovely.

Lastly, check out these beautiful pregnant friends!

They are seriously cute and I'm anxiously looking forward to

LeRoy's arrival in July

and LaMont's arrival in October.

Sweet Summer Days

2011-06-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Lunch

Visit the library

Go to the local greenhouse

Plant some flowers

Get a treat from the ice cream truck

Grab a hose

Lovin' the relaxed days of summer

T-Ball Love

2011-06-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

Another summer night spent at the diamond

Extreme Garage Saling

2011-06-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Reduce, reuse, recycle

An easy way to "go green" is to reuse. "One person's trash is another person's treasure." Right?

Last Thursday and Friday I really had a fun time shopping the local garage sales and finding GREAT, reusable items for our family. Now that everything is washed and put away I seriously cannot believe how much I was able to purchase for $98.50. Every item is name brand, in great condition and was purchased for a fraction of the cost.

Anthony
1 jacket
8 pairs of pants
6 pairs of jammies
8 long sleeve T-shirts
3 flannels
4 sweatshirts
7 T-shirts
5 pairs of shorts

Chubby Chubberton
3 complete outfits
1 long sleeve T-shirt
3 T-shirts

Marko
1 T-shirt

Me
1 super cute dress (Love it!)
3 super cute skirts (Can't wait to wear them!)
1 unbelievably comfy pants (SERIOUSLY comfy...WOW!)
2 cute, cute, cute sweaters (I'm in love!)

I now think TLC should have a spin-off of their new show Extreme Couponing. They could call it Extreme Garage Saling and Tracy could be the host! That girl KNOWS how to find a great sale and how to stay away from the crappy ones just by doing a quick drive by. She seriously has skill in how to "hit the mother load".

Go Twins!

2011-06-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

I love this field and this game!

The retirees

To celebrate Carol's retirement this past weekend all four of us went to Target Field to enjoy an outdoor game of baseball. It was a fun weekend of eating, chatting, taking the Northstar train, cheering on the Twins (and doing the wave!) and spending time together as a family. It was another reminder that I have been extremely blessed when it comes to my mother and father in-law. They are both wonderful individuals -- so supportive, giving, loving and genuine. Clearly, I have hit the jackpot marrying into the Hanson family.

Our seats and the view of the stadium

Our neighbors from Blackduck

Grammie Love

2011-06-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Swingin'

Talkin'

Spending time together

Grammie time is the best!

Get the Camera, Momma...

2011-06-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

ALWAYS means Anthony is ready to show me his awesome goofy poses! Oh, how I love his energy, craziness and personality to the max!

The Green Machine

2011-06-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

On Monday night we went to Anthony's first (hot and sticky) T-Ball practice and game in Monticello. I was nervous. Last year I took him to a week of a sports sampler class and he wanted nothing to do with it. He refused to participate and it was painful as a parent to watch wanting so desperately to jump in and help. When he gets into new social situations he tends to shut down and that was my worry.
However, I was optimistic that this year would go better because of the growth he has shown and because he was so darn excited. His new glove was ready to go and a huge smile was plaster on his face as we drove to the field. The extra bonus was the fact that Ry and Cam would be there too and that Mark & Luke would be coaching and out on the field with him.
For an hour I sat there in awe and felt a bit emotional as I watched Anthony. Yes, he clung to Mark and was very timid (totally NORMAL behavior), but he was OUT THERE and DOING IT with some extra coaxing.

He was fielding the ball with daddy by his side and throwing it back to another coach.

He was excited to wear his new shirt, glove and try on the helmet. (This sounds easy, but trust me it's not when a kid struggles with sensory issues.)

He practiced at the tee, got a hit and even interacted with Luke.

And, best of all, he was BEAMING during the game when he hit the ball and ran all of the bases!

That smile and joy always makes the tough moments worth it! The growth and change that has been made from last summer to right now is AMAZING. I know this wasn't an easy task for Anth, which makes me so darn proud (and, as always, hopeful). There are five more practices/games remaining and I'm looking forward to seeing Anthony grow as a member of The Green Machine.

All for $100

2011-06-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today, for the first time ever, I went to Becker's annual city-wide garage sales instead of hosting one at our house. Laura, Tracy and I got an early start on the sales and quickly found many needed treasures. The best find of the day was a motorized four-wheeler for Chubby Chubberton to enjoy as he grows up and a huge pile of 5T clothes for A. When all was said and done the van was packed, we went to an ATM machine THREE times to fund our serious shopping quest and had a great time hanging out together. I can't wait to do it again!

Wrapping up another year

2011-05-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

This was my passenger Friday after school.

Another stack to correct from another assignment given...

but that's okay.

Only SIX days remain in this school year.

Soon there will be three glorious months off

with no weekend correcting passengers taking away from

precious time with my family.

The correcting end is here.

Almost.

I think I can...

Zumbathon

2011-05-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Next Saturday there is another benefit for the Schmidt family who needs the community's support. Anyone want to join me for some Zumba fun?

Looks like fun, right?!

Juxtaposed

2011-05-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was emotionally trapped between being extremely disappointed and completely happy.

The disappointment came right away when I realized that after seventh months of waiting all the testing was going to cover was Anthony’s cognitive ability.

Throughout the long testing process Anthony behaved himself so well. For the first 90 minutes he was super focused and only got a few questions wrong. (However, I didn’t expect him to be able to identify #56 and #73). He was completely different than a year ago when we did preschool screening and then testing for the special education program. He wasn’t on top of any tables. He didn’t pick up materials and chuck them across the room. He sat in his chair without getting out a bunch of times because his attention got focused on something else.

Yesterday I visually saw how much he has changed behavior-wise over this past year and it was wonderful.

I was told that testing for a mental heath disorder cannot be done until Anthony is older. I’ve heard that before. When he was two I was told that “boys will be boys” and we don’t do anything until a child reaches the age of three. Now that he’s four and a half I’m being told we really can’t do anything until he’s six or older.

Isn’t early intervention key to the success of an individual?

Yesterday I heard the famous words that Mark and I are doing an amazing job creating a stable, healthy and structured environment for A. The doctor also praised us for the treatment/therapy we have sought out and our continued persistence in helping our son.

Ugh.

I want to find someone who will stop telling us how good we are doing and start telling us what we need to be doing. I want someone to see our everyday life and come up with an effective solution. I want someone to care just as much as we do about Anthony and work their hardest in helping him to heal.

The session ended with the knowledge that Anthony is a smart little guy. He knew his numbers, letters (more than I even thought!), shapes, prepositions, etc. The plan is to meet when all of the testing is tabulated and come up with a plan. He could receive further testing, if they deem it necessary, for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as well as Post-Trauma Stress Disorder (PTSD).

No real answers, though.

The best part of the whole day came right after the appointment. I’m thankful I made the decision that A and I would take the entire day off and spend some mommy and son time together. It was such a delight.

First we went to Dunham’s and bought an awesome must have summer item – a co-pilot bike trailer – so A and I can go on bike rides together. Anthony was smiling, helping me push the cart and even found a gift that he insisted daddy would like.

Then we went to visit Geoffrey the Giraffe’s store. Typically Toys R Us is overwhelming and he wants everything. We were there for a good 45 minutes and he decided on another transformer. He was skipping in the halls, holding my hand and getting so excited to show me all of the treasures he was finding.

Pressing my luck, I decided to take a trip to Old Navy. I actually SHOPPED the sales racks and was able to TRY ON different items while Anthony sat patiently in the cart playing. No screaming. No yelling. Amazing.

Finally we made our way to Sammy’s Pizza for the lunch buffet. It was there that the sweetest scene happened that I hope will be forever engraved into my mind. As I was getting his food at the buffet I could see directly to our table. As I looked up and caught his eye he beamed. He gave me a huge wave and then kept tapping his nose to signal I love you.

It was the most wonderful site.

Pure momma happiness.

He fell asleep on the ride home and when he woke up from his nap a few hours later the morning was forgotten. He was mad. He was angry. He wanted nothing to do with his momma. The Anthony who hurts, who we so desperately want to help, was back.

All happiness was gone.

The Hurt lingered the rest of the night and continued to lash out.

I’m learning more and more that when it comes to matters of the heart and emotional well being the process of healing is much more difficult. It would be easier to have a physical aliment, like my colon issues, and have surgery to remove the disease. It’s hard to fight against something that is invisible and unknown by so many.

Last night was painful.

Last night I felt desperate.

Today is a new day with a new round of phone calls to be made.

Someone, somewhere will know how to help him, help us.

Prayers for Anthony

2011-05-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a BIG day for Anthony. We have been waiting since OCTOBER (seems like forever!) to get him "tested". They will be further looking into fetal alcohol syndrome, autism spectrum as well as mental health issues.

I've been praying for this day that it will reveal more answers than questions or unknowns.

Please, please, please say a prayer for A.

He has so much going on in his mind and body that Mark and I are unable to understand. His negative actions towards us continues to escalate as our need for answers & change continues to grow.

I'm so hoping this will be the missing piece we have been searching for.

Again, please pray for A.

Just keep swimming

2011-05-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

Combating hatred with love is necessary, but exhausting.

I keep telling myself it will get better.

Someday we will see a significant change.

The hurt will be replaced with an abundance of love.

Hope always remains that one day we will all be whole.

This too shall pass.

Twenty-Ten!

2011-05-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not delusional. I won't be a mother who rants that her son is the smartest, fastest, wittiest, funniest, most artistic or articulate, etc. etc.
I, however, am a momma who cheers her son on and loves to see what he accomplishes on a day-to-day basis.
Honestly, I don't know if he's miles ahead or behind where he should be. I just celebrate where he's at and am thankful for each stepping stone along the way that I get to share with him.

I absolutely enjoy watching him write his name. (Especially when he's totally in the zone with his tongue sticking out!) It's been fun as a parent, and educator, to see him start making shapes and recognizing that each letter stands for something. We started off with a template of his name to refer to and copy. Now he works almost exclusively by himself and knows what each letter should look like. He's even starting to putting the letters closer together and getting his name someone straight across.

I'm so proud of A for learning and growing and trying through all of his challenges!

My favorite right now is his counting. He likes to remind me that he's getting older and that he'll be five at his next birthday. Of course I cringe at the thought. (Seriously?! A five year old! Where's my chubby cheeks beautiful baby boy?) My cringing makes him giggle, which causes him to count furiously laughing all the while.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 20-10!"

He loves getting all the way to 20-10 and seeing my reaction.

Cute, cute, cute.

Can't wait to see all that he will accomplish in the days, weeks and years to come. Way to go, Bubsa Beetle!

Our Angels

2011-05-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

#52

While driving home from Grand Rapids on Mother's Day we came across a very recent two car collision. Other motorists had already stopped to check on the individuals in both cars as well as direct traffic. It was clear we were only minutes behind this accident.
In the news the next day, we found out that the man who crossed the center line had alcohol in his system and died. The driver of the other car was listed in critical condition while his passenger and wife didn't sustain any injuries.
I never do well when coming across accident scenes. I immediately think of those involved and then their families and then start crying and then start praying and then think about it for hours and even days after the fact...
This accident was no exception. I did all of the above and then came to the realization that it could have been us. If only we hadn't stopped in to visit Manda at work or take a little more time getting packed up and ready to go. What if we hadn't stopped for gas?
I am so thankful that we weren't involved. I honestly could not imagine being in that situation.
I am also so thankful we weren't the first on the scene. I do not know how I would be able to handle that situation either and be the helpful individual I would need to be.
Hopefully our guardian angels will continue to watch over us as we travel through life.

Fish Park

2011-05-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Getting the Radio Flyer out and heading to the park is even more fun when you can go with Mr. Chubby Chubberton! Sixteen more days until summer vacation is here and we can take daily trips to the park.

Shame on me

2011-05-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

Over two weeks ago I came across this picture and started to think about the man who died before my fifth birthday.

Papa Johnson.

I realized the day he died was only a few days away and I began thinking about the man who I faintly remember. All I have are bits and pieces of him tucked away in my memory.

Opening my eyes while praying and watching him.

Sitting behind the house on tree stumps sharpening knives.

Swimming in Deer Lake with Erik while Papa and Grandma watched on.

Buying oxygen tanks with dad.

Leaving his funeral and asking dad why he didn't cry.

Almost three decades have passed since his death and I still yearn to know the man my grandpa was in life. I yearn for a relationship that was cut short and wish we could have had more time.

Then life slapped me in the face.

And I realized something. Something important.

My paternal cousin, Krista, passed away unexpectedly 29 years and one day after our Papa passed. Her death was a complete surprise and such a sad ending to a short, meaningful life.

Upon hearing the news, I immediately started to think about my younger cousin. She had the best laugh and a gorgeous smile. After that I drew a blank. It had been years since the two of us and our families had spent time together. I sadly realized that I no longer knew the 30 year old woman she had grown into.

I started wishing that I could have had more time to get to know her, reconnect, build a relationship like cousins should have.

It was then that it hit me. I was once again wishing for a chance to get to know someone; however, it didn't matter that I had the extra time to do so. Instead of taking advantage of it, I wasted it away and now I will never know either of them.

This thought of procrastination and being too busy with day-to-day life to truly care about a family member hit me hard.

I should have taken the time.

I should have cared more.

I should have risen above our families differences.

Why did I let so many years pass?

Why didn't I make an effort?

Shame on me.

It was during Krista's funeral that I truly got to know my cousin and I completely fell in love. We would have gotten along really well. Her character shined everyday and she continued to make a difference regardless of her "deal" in the game of life. The message that was shared that beautiful warm day has stuck with me. My hope is that her love and zest for life can shine brightly in me and I can stop putting off the things that really matter in life --- loving the individuals in it and making a difference each and everyday.

Don't procrastinate

Continue to give to others and persevere even through life's challenges

We don't get to judge what's fair or unfair

Be sure to always say I love you, always give a hug, a kiss and share the love you feel for others

Live life with a joy in your heart

Make a difference

A handicap is only as debilitating as you let it be

Goodbye, Krista. I'm so glad that Papa and Grandma J are both in heaven to meet you and give you a warm, welcoming hug. I promise your JOY will live on.

Chapter 157

2011-05-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Teaching is rewarding, inspiring, frustrating, difficult at times and always packed full of rich material. Every year I think I should write a book about the true-life experiences that happen in a day-to-day classroom.
Earlier this year I had a classic fart story with a special twist that would have made a great chapter in this tell all book. Eight years ago during a book talk I had a student state that her book was so good she almost pooped her pants! Today could have been chapter 157 if I had been on the ball and writing everything down these past ten years.

A student walks into class during my prep.

Ms. H – “Bob”, you’re here?!

Bob – Yeah. I had to go to the doctor this morning.

Ms. H – Oh really. Why is that?

Bob – Last night while I was sleeping I kept punching myself in the face and this morning my parents had to bring me to see the doctor.

Ms. H – What?! You fight with yourself while you sleep?! Seriously?! …do not laugh out loud…do not laugh out loud…. Oh.

Bob – Yeah, the doctor even said he punches himself when he sleeps too.

Ms. H – Who in the world is your doctor? Yikes! …do not laugh out loud…do not laugh out loud…. Oh. Interesting.

Seventh graders!
They say the darndest things.
Thanks, Bob.
I’ll try not to fight with myself tonight.
Please try to do the same.

Live your life from your heart

2011-05-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what
we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into
acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can
turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger
into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings
peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~ Melody Beattie

#37-51

Vicariously living through pregnant friends

Feeling "LeRoy" kick and move induces tears and an awe of how amazing life truly is

When students are genuine and thankful (even at this time of year)

Reading a good book that sucks you in

Everyday is a gift - live it

Having a dad that's "in the neighborhood"

Sister Tuttle's advice, "I gotta be me". Oh so true

Anthony's smile and giggle

Taking time to see the trees come back to their full, green splendor slowly each day

Zucchini bread

Late nights and long talks with a favorite aunt

Strong, meaningful embraces

The first 80 degree day

Finding reasons to smile even through the tears

Krista Joy Ott

Live your life from your heart.

Share from your heart.

And your story will touch and heal people's souls.

~ Melody Beattie

Our Final Goodbye

2011-05-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend we traveled up north to Chisholm to say our final goodbyes to Grandma Jean. The interment service was brief, but filled with meaning. Clearly Grandma was the nucleus of this amazing family I have been so fortunate to become a part of over a decade ago. Now that she's gone it would be easy for all of us to go our own ways. Aunt Debbie beautifully spoke about the importance of family and the need to continue to get together, to celebrate and honor Grandma's legacy. Her message was simple, but so true. It was a great reminder for me to embrace those I love and celebrate the bond we share. Once again, as always, I feel so thankful and blessed to be a part of this wonderful family.

Miss Olivia

2011-05-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Having a sucker is always more fun when you are enjoying

it beside your spunky little cousin!

A beautiful life extinguished

2011-05-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

Krista Joy Ott, age 30, of Moorhead, Minn., formerly of Grand Rapids, Minn. died unexpectedly of natural causes on May 4, 2011 in Moorhead.

Krista was born in Grand Rapids to Marv and Mary Ott and graduated from Grand Rapids High School in 1999. Along with her academics, she participated in choir, debate and soccer. After graduation, Krista attended Moorhead State University. During her college education, Krista acquired some physical limitations. In spite of this, her faith in God remained strong and when she had recovered sufficiently, she reentered college and received her degree in 2005. Since graduation, Krista has been employed by Community Living Services in Fargo, North Dakota. She enjoyed the challenge of helping people with disabilities. Krista loved life and was optimistic about her future as she continued in therapy to overcome her own physical limitations. Her middle name fit her perfectly as she brought "Joy" to all those she came in contact with. Her family and friends will miss her.

Surviving family includes her parents, Marv and Mary Ott, Grand Rapids; grandmother, Anna Ott, Spencer, Iowa; one sister, Rebekkah (Dan) Guider, St. Paul; one brother, Kevin Ott, Grand Rapids; a nephew, Lee Guider; and nieces, Iris & Lilah Guider.

Service: Visitation: 5 to 7 p.m. Tuesday May 10 in Libbey Funeral Home and Wednesday, May 11 from 10 until the 11 a.m. Funeral Service in the Assembly of God Church, Grand Rapids. Burial is in Itasca-Calvary Cemetery, Grand Rapids.

Maybe daddy should go fishing more often?!

2011-05-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

For the first time since Anthony came home, Mark made the annual guy trip up to Ballard's Resort in Baudette to fish sturgeon on the Rainy River. Since we were going to have a daddy-free weekend, Anthony and I invited Rachel and the kiddos down for a much needed get together. Unfortunately, the weather was crappy (um, it's S-P-R-I-N-G, Mother Nature!) so a day at the zoo was out, but we still managed to keep the kids busy and have lots of fun.
On Saturday morning they ate multiple breakfasts all the while playing Agent 1, Agent 2 and Agent 3 as well as "Samuel is a baby who needs two bossy older kids telling him what to do". We then spent two hours at Burger King so the kids could play in the playland, two hours swimming at the Community Center and then brought them to Rio 3D. When we finally got home we had supper together and they had some more time to play before bedtime. By 8:00 all three were sleeping and Rach & I were able to chat and watch a great, bawl-fest, chick flick.
The only thing that could have made the weekend better is if Mol and the beautiful little ladies could have come too.

Random Videos

2011-04-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Gotcha Day!

WARNING: There is horrific singing on this particular video.

Clearly you can see that even the Bubsa Boo is annoyed by the sound.
However, it is a blessing to celebrate A's adoption
and our little family every year.

Watch out!

Anthony and Adele are having fun on the four wheeler.

Who's idea was it anyway to let Anthony control the "gas"

and let 18 month old Adele man the steering wheel?!

Tubby Time with Adele!

I'm sure they'll both love this video when they're older...

Zoey the Bubble Slayer!

Zo has yet to meet a bubble she hasn't liked to

chase,

eat,

bite at

and completely annihilate.

What a wonder dog!

Happy Birthday, Grammie Carol!

2011-04-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

I love you!

xoxo

Anthony

The Annual Johnson Egg Hunt

2011-04-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Annual Johnson Egg Hunt was even more fun this year because Asher was old enough to participate! He loved grabbing the eggs, throwing them, chasing after them and throwing them some more. Actually putting them in the bucket and moving onto the next one really wasn't exactly what this 16 month old had in mind. While Asher's eggs were hidden in the front yard the Easter Bunny hid all of A's eggs in the backyard. He, too, had a great time searching high and low to find every last egg and was excited to find a bunch of change in his eggs. He's already decided that he needs to go to the store and buy something.

PS - Before going outside for the egg hunt Anthony found his Easter basket from the Bunny. After we looked at everything I suggested he go and tell Grammie & Papa thank you.

He gave me quite the look and I was completely clueless.

Again, I said he should thank his grandparents.

Still clueless.

Finally he looked at me and said, "MOM. Why would I thank Grammie and Papa when the Easter Bunny brought me my basket?."

Aaaaahhhhh.... OOPS!

Quickly I picked up the card that was in the basket too. "Because they gave you such a nice card. You should thank them for that."

Clearly I need to work on my Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy cover.

Shesh!

Uncle Time

2011-04-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Uncle Erik Gounozales Pierri Keith Johnson sure knows how to make a little boy's day! (Thanks for the reminder of Erik's nickname growing up, M & D!) I'm absolutely in love with these photos that capture the two of them just hanging out and being. I pray that they will always want to spend time together walking through the woods, building forts, foraging for food and asking/answering the questions of life. Their relationship is one of beauty; A needs someone like his Uncle Airwick in his life.

Oteneagen Road

2011-04-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

#30 - 36

Being with family and celebrating

A late night conversation

Singing to old songs that used to be a daily part of my life

Waffles with whipped cream

Fresh up north air

Playing Cribbage with my favorite

Opening all the windows and letting spring fill the house

Down on the Farm

2011-04-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

What cute helpers, huh?! Anthony had a great time visiting the farm with Ash and checking out all of the animals. An absolute highlight for A was getting to bottle feed the lambs. So stinkin' cute! Thanks Uncle Damon and Auntie Manda for the down home fun!

A Beautiful Night

2011-04-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

#29 Anthony's laughter - his joy bubbling forward - his beautiful, beaming smile - his kiss me again - his continually tapping of the nose signaling "I love you" - his funky chicken with a tongue stuck out dance - his hugs - his sweet kisses - his cuddles - his trust - his sweet voice singing - his twinkling, tired eyes - his voice saying momma and daddy...

We're on the cusp.
I'm sure of it!
Tonight was such a fun and beautiful gift.
Thank you.
This gift is far from being lost on Mark and I.
It's treasured.
Weekends away with disruptions of our schedule is always fun,
but hard.
Easter weekend starts tomorrow...
I pray this behavior of joyfulness can bubble over into our weekend and continue on into our future together.

#22-28

2011-04-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

#22-28

Seeing fresh snow fall is always beautiful; almost as much as seeing Anthony's excitement over the snow and the fact that "Christmas is coming!"

A fever makes for a great pajama day

A colon-less, J-Pouch body is always a better option than where I was at seven years ago

Still giggling over my sister's ideas for our "team" Wild Rice Festival 5k "running" shirts

Grilled brats taste especially good after a seven month hiatus

Hand writing cards always tops sending an email

Seeing the morning snow give way to green grass by the afternoon is just as beautiful

Forgotten Photos

2011-04-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

18 month old Anthony James

#13 - 21

Cleaning the house and finding treasures among the trash

I am Anthony's momma

Running for 10 minutes, 1.1 miles and then 16 minutes straight without stopping --- I can do this!

The clean, clear smell in the air each morning

The sound of birds after so many months

Adopting our son

Old pictures make me smile

When A calls me momma

The hidden Peeps in my classroom by two 7th grade boys is smile inducing